Rebecca's baby journal

giggles

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 15:43:43 GMT

McKenna just giggled. Like, squealing, shrieking baby giggles. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. I've seen her laugh just a little bit, but this was a real, squench your face up giggle. I love it :)

Teething

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 22:21:37 GMT

McKenna is now 3 months and 1 week old. She's a big kid, weighing in at 17.4 lbs and 25 inches long. She's still exclusively breastfed, and seems very happy and healthy.

She's begun to teethe, I think. She's been drooling a lot, and has switched from wanting to suck on our knuckles to wanting to bite down on them. She's been pretty irritable over the last week or so. She's stopped taking quite so many naps, and when she does nap, it's for far less time than she did when she was a newborn.

I got her some Hyland's teething gel yesterday, and I used a tiny bit on her gums last night. She went to sleep immediately after I did that. The box says that might happen, if the kid's been uncomfortable for a while. She is currently chewing on a frozen baby washcloth. She's figured out how to get her hand to her mouth, and has been chomping on her own hand and arm lately. She doesn't seem to handle teething rings very well yet - they're just too much to handle. The washcloth she can handle. She's chomping pretty hardily right now. Poor kid :(

She likes it best when I stand her up and help her stay standing. Her second favorite thing is the splutz noise like when you give someone a raspberry.

nip!

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 21:46:24 GMT

I had my first experience of someone acting pissy because I was nursing in public. Troy and I were at a restaurant in Decatur, and they have couches in the front bar part. We were sitting there with McKenna, and I was nursing her. A woman at the bar kept looking at me and scowling. Troy pointed her out to me. I turned and looked at her, and any previous concern I'd had about what I'd do if someone looked at me like that while I was nursing went out the door. I smiled my best fake smile at her, patted Mac's butt and looked away. She immediately got her check and huffed out the door. HAHAHAHA

In other news, I made my first grocery run with just McKenna and me today. I wore her in the Moby wrap, and we did just fine together. I accomplished groceries. It was awesome to see the other moms in there with their kidlets, too. We all smiled knowing and friendly smiles at each other, and I felt like part of the daytime mommy shopping club.

I don't want to go back to work. We visited my job yesterday, and I don't want to go back. I am terrified to let other people keep my child. If Issa could do it, that would be okay with me. But I'm really, really nervous about anyone else doing it. I don't want to miss her first steps and words just b/c I am stuck on being at this job one more year...The countdown is happening too, where I have to make a decision soon. :( :( :( I don't see how anyone who absolutely does not have to goes back to work after having a kid.

McKenna is 6 weeks old today. I get one of those nifty yay me 6 weeks breastfeeding banners.

5 weeks

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 22:03:03 GMT

McKenna is 5 weeks old today. She is now 13 lbs, 4 ounces, and 23 inches long. I can't believe how quickly she's growing!

She holds her head up some, especially when she's on her tummy on either my or Troy's chest. She's starting to follow objects with her eyes, and she smiles a lot more regularly. She does this weird thing sometimes that sounds like it might turn into giggling eventually, but isn't quit there yet.

I think I've taken to motherhood pretty well. I can almost always tell what is going on with her and fix any issues she's having, aside from gas. Fortunately, gas doesn't happen very often.

She attended her first burn outside the womb this weekend. While it was a huge change for Troy and me, having her there, she handled it just fine. She only got fussy a couple times, and it was short-lived. She had her first dip in the lake, hated it, and screamed. It *was* a little cold... :) She went to the effigy burn with Troy, Issa and Joshua while I spun fire in the fire conclave. She even slept in the sleeping bag with me, and slept through the night both nights. (I imagine so - burns would tire out any kid!)

She's starting to get a little more cuddly, and she's not doing that staring at the wall randomly thing that new babies do as much any more. She actually looks at people now.

I can't quit bragging about her being exclusively breastfed. :) I finally learned how to pop a boob in her mouth in the middle of the night (lately she only wakes up once for feeding, if I feed her right before I lay down at 11 or 12), so I've actually managed to stay in my bed for a couple nights straight. We lived on the couch for the first couple weeks of her life :)

I think she's going to have light brown hair. Her eyes are starting to change some, but I'm not sure what they'll end up looking like. Her lips are still really gorgeous and full, and in my opinion, she looks like a really feminine version of Troy.

I lose at the cloth diapering thing. She's 5 weeks now and still in disposables. We even *bought* some. I know. I suck. It's just that every single time I've put her in a cloth diaper, she's peed in it within an hour, and it gets absolutely all over me. Not just a little. Like, a LOT. I don't know why these things aren't more absorbent. I still want to try to make this work, but damn if disposables aren't freaking *easy*. :( Does anyone have any ideas on why every single cloth diaper I've ever used leaks all over me (all in ones included!)?

I'm starting to do a little work from my house for my job. They're hurting b/c of a bunch of drama that's going on there, with attorneys leaving and starting new firms. We'll see how well it works out to try to work with Miss Sunshine wanting all my attention. :)

breastfeeding

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 16:39:41 GMT

I had my first experience of breastfeeding in public last night.

Of course I had to choose to do this in a restaurant where McKenna was technically not welcome. There are local laws that force restaurants to be 18 and up if smoking is allowed. Fortunately, some of the restaurants do not enforce this rule, even though they have signs up that SAY they do. (No it wasn't smoky, it was outside so I never even smelled smoke.)

I actually got so nervous that I lost my appetite. Yes, breastfeeding is great, and yes more people should do it in public, and no, there should never be shame involved. I was nervous though. I'm glad I did it, even if we technically weren't supposed to be there with her :)

And of course, no one even noticed, and nothing was said, and all went perfectly fine. I have to work on this nervousness though.

assorted stuff

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 16:41:14 GMT

McKenna Sunshine is one week old today!

She has decided that her umbilical stump has just got to go, and she keeps hitting at it with her hands. It's almost completely detached. I'll be glad when it's gone, because that's when we're switching to cloth diapers. We have so many disposables from the hospital, and they're so much easier with a cord stump still in place. I'm ready to switch though.

I'm still working through breastfeeding issues. I pulled out the My Brest Friend (Yes they spell it wrong) pillow this morning, and that thing rocks. I read some more websites about proper latch, and I think that at long last, we've got it. We were really close before, but I was putting too much nipple in on the bottom. Her top lip automatically pokes out like it's supposed to when I do it this new way. Much better, much less painful.

The time of no sleeping has begun. I barely slept at all the past two nights. What's weird is that I'm not really sleepy during the day. I tried to nap with her earlier and she woke up fifteen minutes later. Maybe I'll have some lunch and try again. Maybe I'd be sleepy if I laid down. I actually have a strong urge to clean my house instead. I may strap her to me in a little while and do that, and then maybe take a nap. (Oh how much does it suck to not be at work? Not at all. This is GREAT!!)

I had an appointment with the doctor who caught Mac yesterday (only he wasn't actually there - I saw the other guy from his office instead), for them to check my sutures. Everything is fine, they said I'm looking great for 6 days post partum. Their office was extremely posh, and I really enjoyed their bedside manner. The entire staff was very kind. I was honest about the homebirth, and while they couldn't really approve, they were supportive of my decision, and didn't give me any crap at all.

:) I think I've finally quit checking to see if she's still breathing every fourteen seconds.

thoughts on parenthood

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 17:54:41 GMT

Quick notes about parenthood, motherhood

I didn't realize just how much time having a baby would take up!! I am absolutely not complaining- I'd rather lay here and look at her and hold her all day, every day, than to spend time on the internet or doing whatever else it was I used to do before I had McKenna. I just need to find some way to write down or type out my thoughts because I don't want to forget some of these early parenthood things.

We'll see how far I get. Right now, she's crashed out in my lap, looking like a perfect, gorgeous little princess. I think her hair is getting lighter. It's really light in the front, and has a red tint in the sun :) Her eyes are still the steel blue of early babyhood. The midwife yesterday told me that McKenna has already gained back up to her birth weight and then some. Troy and Issa and I think maybe, since they didn't weigh Mac until at least an hour after her birth, the birthweight may actually have dropped between her birth and when they weighed her. Otherwise, she's gained a ton of weight in her 5 days of life. She weighed in at almost 10lbs yesterday. What's up breast milk :)

Breast feeding has been an adventure. McKenna latched very quickly after birth. The first time she latched correctly and strongly, it shocked me! I actually said, "Oh!!" It wasn't painful, it was just shockingly STRONG! Since then, she's nursed like a champ. I had the lactation consultant in the hospital come to see me because I was doing really well with latching her on the right side, but not on the left for some reason. Just a few minutes with the LC and we had that kicked. I still had really sore nipples, which are just now starting not to be sore any more. I am abundantly pleased with our breast feeding relationship though. I seem to have tons of milk, and I think I may try pumping and saving some of it today. I think last night, it was almost overwhelming for Mac, because there was just too much coming out. It's started dripping when I'm feeding :) I think it's great. Breast feeding is extremely rewarding, and it's so freaking convenient. I am so glad that my fears that I had about doing this were really unwarranted.

I have worn McKenna in a Moby wrap a couple times now, with great success. I love it, and when she gets in there, she goes almost instantly comatose. I am going to find some material that is a little cooler and more breathable, because this kid's a little radiator.

She makes the best noises ever. She coos all the time.

I thought I'd want to dress her in all kinds of little outfits and stuff. The kid's worn two things ever: the little kimono looking shirt at the hospital, and one onesie on the way home from the hospital. That's it. We've had her in Swaddlemes (OH MY GOD these are awesome) and a diaper. It's just too hot!!

One thing I'd note for people who will be first time parents: I read and read about everything regarding labor, delivery, immunizations, parenting philosophies, cloth diapering, etc. I did NOT read NEARLY enough about the first days with a baby. I was wholly unprepared. I am glad I have some books here that cover what the heck to do with a child after she's actually out of you and in your home, because I was clue-free. Wow. I mean, a lot of it is intuitive, which I guess is what I was banking on, but no one tells you when you are supposed to bathe her the first time, or how LONG you're supposed to breast feed at each feeding, etc. I don't feel like we've failed in any respect, because she is doing just fine, but I do sort of wish I'd read a little more about stuff beforehand.

Okay that's all I have time for right now.

Oh, one other thing: I absolutely cannot imagine life without McKenna. I never understood the sheer depth of love I would feel for this little kid, but I am completely in love with her. I would do absolutely anything for her. I also did not understand how the depth of my love for Troy would change, with the addition of a child we created together. It's so amazing and beautiful!

Birth Story, part 1

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 01:53:29 GMT

I'm at home (I got home Thursday, around noon or so). Obviously things have been completely hectic and crazy since I made my posts about labor. Troy was making all the posts for me from that point forward. I've been receiving all your comments though, and I appreciate them all very, very much!

As you saw, my labor began at 2:30 am on the morning of the 19th.

I woke up to menstrual cramping feelings in my lower belly that lasted about a minute at a time. After several in a row, and failing to go back to sleep, I started timing them, mostly as a kind of joke with myself. I found they were almost exactly 10 minutes apart. I really thought at that point that this had to be false labor, and I tried to go back to sleep. That wasn't happening. I finally got out of bed at 3:30 and played on the internet a little, timed the contractions more, and tried to rest. I think I snoozed on the couch for a little while. At some point, I came back into our bedroom and Troy asked me if I was okay. I told him I was having regular, light contractions every ten minutes. He told me that he'd stay home from work if they were happening regularly by the time he needed to get up for work, and I insisted at this point that it was probably not labor.

I went and sat in the bathtub for a while, and the contractions slowed to about every 15 minutes, but were a tiny bit stronger.

Time passed and Troy got up and made me breakfast. It was really sweet - he looked up a recipe for vegetarian gravy because I wanted biscuits and gravy. He also made scrambled eggs. I called my midwives and told them I wasn't coming to my 40 week appointment because I was having contractions (although they were MILD at this point) every 10 minutes, and I was supposed to drive myself up there (rather than Troy going with me as usual) and wasn't comfortable with that. They told me they'd be in touch, and for me to call if anything changed. I sent Issa a text message to let her know I wasn't coming to get her (she was going with me to the midwives), and then I set about my day, joking around with Troy and making hemp necklaces.

As the day grew brighter outside, my contractions got a little stronger. I still thought this was false labor, and I expected they'd go away at any time. I was hesitant to call anyone and tell them I was in labor, because I felt like as soon as I did that, I'd jinx myself, or I'd feel stupid for thinking that when it wasn't labor at all.

See, I wasn't even 100% sure I was having contractions, because there are so many descriptions of what a contraction is supposed to feel like, or what a false labor contraction feels like versus a "real" contraction. I wasn't feeling anything like either, really. I really felt like I was having strong menstrual cramps. I felt like I could start my period at any time. That was it.

As I type this, I am beginning to realize how much I lost track of time that day. Sometime after breakfast, Troy and I went for a walk. We went down Bixby Street, to the dead end side because we had never been over there. I didn't realize as we walked that we were walking down a hill that I'd have to walk up again soon :) We went and looked at a house that was for sale, and there was a walkway made of poured tiny gravel. I was wearing my Five Fingers shoes (look them up) and could feel the gravel really distinctly under my feet. I remember it being a very interesting feeling, combined with the hormones or whatever that were associated with the progressing labor. We walked back up the hill and then down the opposite side of our block, then home again. When I walked in the door of our house, I had the strongest contraction I'd felt so far.

At some point, Issa came over. We sat around and talked for a little while and I decided I wanted to go to Michael's to get more beads. I was still having contractions about every ten minutes, and they were getting a little stronger. We went to Michael's and roamed around. I got my beads and a couple things for oil painting. By the time we left there, the contractions were stronger, and probably a little more often than every ten minutes.

We got back home and Issa left for a while. I don't remember what Troy and I did. I think that's when we watched some Battlestar Galactica. I know I was going to attempt more hemp jewelry, but I couldn't concentrate on them. I organized my new beads and my contractions got stronger and more frequent. I talked to Nicole of the midwives at some point and had two contractions while on the phone with her. They were now 5 minutes apart and I had to moan through them. When Issa got back some time later, the contractions were completely taking over when they came, and they hurt pretty badly. I could not talk through them at that point. I piled up a bunch of pillows and laid on them with my butt in the air, and basically moaned loudly into the pillows when the contractions would come. Issa started timing them again, and Troy suggested we fill the birth pool. I really did not think that I was that far along at this point, and it seemed silly and premature to get into the birthing pool at that point, but it sounded so nice, so I told him to go ahead. Lee came in and the contractions were so strong I could barely say hello.

I got into the birthing pool sometime around 9pm. The only reason I remember this is because we were using a program on the internet to time my contractions (http://www.contractionmaster.com/) and the laptop was sitting on the bed in McKenna's room (where the birth was going to happen, and where the pool was set up). I remember having a particularly strong contraction, and looking up on the bed and seeing the time displayed on the contraction timer, which was around 9:15 at that point. I asked Issa and Troy to deal with the clock.

The birthing pool felt INCREDIBLE to me. I melted into it. Nicole the midwife called and talked to Troy for a few minutes, and encouraged me to be careful being in the pool this early, as it may slow my contractions. It did slow them, for like 3 minutes. I had a very short break between contractions, which was very, very fantastic. Then the contractions got rapidly faster and more intense.

Lee was busy in the kitchen, making McKenna's birthday cake. Troy and Issa had the insightfulness to grab my hands during a contraction, and that was absolutely fantastic. I can't express how thankful I am for them thinking of doing this. It made a huge difference.

It was around 9:30 when one of the midwives got here. Sometime between when I got in the birthing pool at around 9 and when midwife 1 got here, I went through transition. One thing I learned about labor is that there is no describing it. Everything I had read about this phase was true, except it was absolutely nothing like I expected. I definitely panicked in my head, and I thought that there was no freaking way I was going to make it through this. The most interesting thing of all is that, while I can sit here and perfectly recall what my body did as a result of the contractions (my back arched severely and I thrust up out of the water with every contraction), I absolutely, 100% cannot remember what the contractions felt like. I remember my back aching, but I cannot remember what else hurt. That's so freaking wild to me, considering it was only 4 days ago. I remember thoughts I had during this time, and I remember it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt in my entire life. I remember thinking I couldn't finish this, that it could go on a lot longer and I wasn't even pushing yet (I was pushing, but not like I would later), and that the midwives weren't even there yet.

The truth of the matter is that I went through over 3/4 of the labor just with Troy and Issa. I just didn't realize it at that point. I didn't realize I'd gone through transition until later. I had no idea how far along I was and how much I'd already done. I don't even think I had fully come to terms with the fact that I was having the baby, and soon. I guess I have had a lot of preconceived ideas of what labor would be like, and what I experienced was absolutely nothing like that :)

So midwife 1 got here at around 9:30 and got all her stuff out and checked my progress. I'd requested not to know my progress as I progressed through the dilation and effacement process. However, when she looked at me and said, "Well you can start pushing at any time..." I felt a sudden surge of pride. I couldn't believe I was already that far along! That's when I realized I'd already passed transition, and that my panic, while still there, was not the panic of "I'm going to die!!!" anymore. I started pushing with earnest shortly thereafter.

At some point, midwife 2, showed up. No idea what time that was, but later Issa told me it wasn't actually very long after midwife 2 got here. I only remember certain aspects of things during this time. I remember the noise of the midwives opening the sterile stuff. I remember Troy and Issa briefly talking about something and asking them to be quiet. I remember the repeated use of the fetal monitor, and that made me crazy. I remember trying to push while one of the midwives had her fingers inside me, and getting really frustrated with that.

So here's the part that you've all been waiting for: the reason I went to the hospital. I pushed for a while in the birthing pool. The midwives felt as though I was bleeding more than I should have been by that point. They got me out of the birthing pool and had me pushing on the bed. Troy was behind me, holding me, helping me. Shortly after that, midwife 2 told me that if they didn't get the baby out of me in 5 minutes, they were transferring me to the hospital, because the baby's heart rate was dropping and I was bleeding too much.

I told them that that wasn't happening, and if that was the options, let's just go. Chaos ensued. I remember pushing on the toilet in the guest bathroom and panicking in Troy's arms. I remember trying to get clothes on. I ended up in a t-shirt. I remember pushing on the toilet again in our master bathroom, and panicking more in Troy's arms. I remember an oxygen tank and oxygen in my nose, and being really pissed off about that. I remember feeling like I'd let myself, and everyone else in the house, down for not doing this successfully at home. I felt terrified and embarrassed to tell everyone that I, the person who has been so incredibly anti-hospital and anti-medical or surgical birth, was being transported by a freaking *ambulance* to the hospital. I felt like a failure, and mostly I just wanted the baby out of me.

I spent most of this time with my eyes closed. When my eyes were open, the world was too bright.

A gazillion men in various uniforms showed up. I remember my furniture was moved all over the place, and my dog went nuts with barking. One of the men who was, I think, a fireman, yelled to get the dog away. An ambulance showed up, and at some point, I was put on a stretcher on my side and strapped down. I was obviously in the final stages of labor at this point and they were telling me, after at least an hour or so of pushing before, NOT to push. They carried me out and there were flashing lights everywhere. I closed my eyes and pushed anyway :) I remember thinking about my neighbors thinking this must be something crazy going on. We got into the ambulance - it was bumpy. They told Troy he had to ride up front. While we sat there, I remember him popping into the back with me and saying, "Well I can come back here until we go, right?" :) This is a fantastic memory for me. I got a needle shoved in my arm. I remember they said it was an 18 gauge. It's funny the things you remember.

On the way to the hospital, the rather snarky ambulance guy told me not to push, and I told him to fuck off and pushed anyway. They must have asked me a million times my age, if my pregnancy had been complicated, my name, my social security number... It's damned near impossible to answer all these questions when you're having such strong contractions.

We got to the hospital and they pulled me out of the truck. It was raining and they apologized for the rain. I said I liked it. I was wheeled hurriedly through the halls of the hospital. It was really bright. I was saying, "Please just get this baby out of me!" and asking for drugs. I thought it would never end. (I'm so glad they didn't. There's no way they could have by that point anyway. I will say that I absolutely stuck by not wanting an epidural though!!) I was shoved in one room and a nurse checked my progress. She noted I was only 9cm. I knew she was wrong. They put me in labor and delivery to have an OB/Gyn check me. He did, and then he left and the hospital staff was telling me to breathe through the contractions and not push. My body didn't WANT to quit pushing so I ignored them. They called the OB/Gyn right back and he said for me to push. I had a nurse on one side, holding one leg and Troy on the other, holding my other leg. The nurse ROCKED. She taught me how to really, effectively, PUSH. She counted and made me hold my push through her count, then take a breath, then PUSH again through her count. She was forceful and stern, serious and awesome. I pushed to her count, as hard as I could, and I felt the baby's head in the birth canal and her feet, still kicking, inside my stomach. I felt with each push, her head move further down the birth canal. She crowned and Troy said, "She has brown hair." This gave me a new energy. I knew it was so close!! So I pushed harder and harder. I felt her head pushing outward, and I felt the "ring of fire." The ring of fire was NOTHING like I expected. It was not nearly as bad. And who freaking cares at that point?! My baby was nearly here!! So I pushed and her head was out. That was a very strange feeling. I knew it was almost done, but it just wasn't done yet. The Ob/gyn wiggled her around and then she was out and the pain *instantly* ended. I felt a huge gush of fluid come out of me, and it felt FANTASTIC. I entered the labor and delivery room at Emory/Crawford Long Hospital at very nearly exactly midnight (saw the clock on the wall), and McKenna Sunshine Cobb was born at 12:25. I delivered the placenta around 20 minutes or so later with another gush of fluid.

Troy asked them to immediately put the baby on my chest and they did. Lee had done an amazing thing, and had the snuck in the athame and gotten a nurse to bring it to Troy, so he cut the cord with the blade he'd gotten especially for that purpose. Everyone on staff at the hospital was exceptionally accommodating. They cleaned McKenna up on my chest, and let me nurse her for the first time. They were wonderful. They left us alone for an extended amount of time. The doctor stitched me up (2nd degree perineum tear). When they finally had to take McKenna away to do the standard hospital weighing and measuring, Troy went with her. I nearly jumped off that table when they told me she was nearly 9 lbs!!!!

Time passed and the midwives came in to check on me, and Issa and Lee came in to check on me. Lee and Issa stuck around until they put me in a private suite, and until Troy came back with McKenna. They were freaking fantastic, and I'm so very, extremely thankful for them and all they did for me, and for us, that night. Troy eventually came in with our little girl, and my adrenaline rush finally started to fade a little.

When it came time for me to get off the labor table and get cleaned up, the nurse helped me into the bathroom. I stood up slowly, and all my organs shifted downward. The entire top of my belly was flat again, and all the heaviness was in a small pudgy area just at the bottom of me. Blood flowed out of me and was all over the place, and nurse told me she'd clean it all up and not to worry about it. I got to clean up some and put on the first of numerous giant sanitary napkins in the gorgeous hospital net panties :)

I'll type more later about my thoughts and feelings about this stuff later - my baby wants some booby :)

EDIT: I am extremely pleased to be exclusively and successfully breastfeeding. My nipples are so sore though - I need to work on her latch a little. I'm also extremely pleased to have birthed an 8lb, 12 ounce, 20 inch baby completely, 100% naturally. WOOT!!!

Photos of McKenna

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 01:35:34 GMT

First-day photos of McKenna Sunshine Cobb, born today, June 20, 2007 at 12:25am EST.

My Baby!

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 12:15:09 GMT

McKenna Sunshine Cobb was born at 12:25am this morning. She weighed 8 pounds and 12 ounces and was just over 20 inches long. She is perfect and healthy! McKenna and I are resting fine at Emory Crawford Long Hospital.

Photos and more details to come a bit later.

more update

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 22:04:14 GMT

Contractions are around a minute long, every five minutes now. Contractions suck, but I'm so excited to have them. It's really interesting how quickly after one passes that I forget how much pain I was just in. They're definitely getting stronger. I've found that I can actually still talk through them in short bursts, and I can still hear people talking. I'm beginning to lose my appetite. I'm going to try to eat some pizza in a few minutes.

The midwife is encouraging me to walk around to keep the contractions going at this point.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life is happening in five minute intervals. I keep having to set the computer down and breathe through a contraction, or time phone conversations in five minute increments.

wheeeeeeeee

Update again

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 17:12:17 GMT

It's now just after 1pm. My contractions continue to be every 7-10 minutes, and are getting stronger. Troy made me biscuits and gravy and some eggs for breakfast. Then we took a walk. I had the strongest and longest contraction the minute I stepped foot in the house. It was nearly 2 minutes long, and a lot harder than the ones I'd had before.

I've been sitting around, watching Battlestar Galactica and making hemp jewelry.

update

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 10:54:52 GMT

It's nearly 7 am now, and I have had about 5 minutes of sleep since that last post. The contractions were something like 10 minutes apart continuously after I laid back down. They have gotten stronger, so I finally decided to get up and try a bath. Ugh, now I feel really hot. I'm not sure if it slowed the contractions down any, but I think it may have just a little. I'm going to actually start timing them now.

I'm freakin' starving. There will have to be some breakfast in my near future. I am not going up to the midwives, although they don't know that yet. We're still trying to decide if Troy's going to work. Poor guy, he couldn't sleep once he woke up and I told him what was going on, so he's basically been up all night with me too.

I think I'm still in denial. I think it may take me getting to the really severe, can't move at all contractions before I believe this is happening.

40 weeks

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 08:13:28 GMT

You might note that it is 4:00 in the morning. I've been up since around 2:30 with really mild contractions that are just strong enough to keep me awake, but that's about it. They were every 5-6 minutes while I was laying in bed. I decided to get up and see what happened at about 3:30. I had a little bit of heart burn and I was hungry, so I've been snacking on baby carrots. The contractions have slowed a lot since I got up. I have only had 2 or 3 in the 30 minutes I've been out of bed. I'll go lay back down when I finish typing this.

These contractions are really light. My belly tightens all over and I get the strong menstrual cramp and it holds...holds...and then it all fades and releases. It's painful but not overly so. It's just like what I've been having on and off for over a week, but somehow with more purpose.

So today is my due date. June 19. Happy Birthday to Lori, who says this is a great date to be born. Maybe Nub listened and will actually be one of the very few kids actually born on her due date.

I have a midwife appointment at 8am. I was thinking during one of my contractions that it would be great to call them and say, "I think you'll need to come to me instead." It doesn't look like that's really going to be an issue though. I'm a tiny bit nervous about going up there (it's 30 minutes north of my house, and the first time the entire pregnancy I'll be going without Troy), but I'll judge how I'm feeling right before I go.

Oh..another contraction. That was almost exactly 10 minutes after the last one. Maybe labor is actually, slowly but surely, starting :)

One other thought: It's somehow extremely exciting to me to have reached my due date finally. This date has been a giant looming thing to me for 8.5 months now, and for it to actually BE June 19th is awesome. It feels like I, or the world, or something has officially given me permission to move to the next stage. I'm sure I'll be less excited about the date once it becomes June 20 and I still have no baby, but for today, it's exciting :)

39w6d

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 15:35:30 GMT

Still pregnant. BUT! I'm at home, snuggled in my big giant bed with warm blankets, a fan on high above me, a laptop and a sweet kitty. It's only 11:30 and I've already had my first nap of the day. I'm still in my pjs. I had my breakfast in bed. This is beyond fantastic!

It also makes this waiting more tolerable. I don't know how long that will last, but for now, the novelty of the fact that I'm at home on a week day and I'm not actually sick is really quite nice.

And I can nest as much as I want today, and collapse when I need to.

I suppose the only negative is that I keep having the "I should be doing...." thoughts. Like, I *should* be up and going to get the cat food and cleaning up the house. I think in reality though, I have been doing exactly what I *should* be and resting. Whatever gets done will get done.

nesting.

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 01:00:08 GMT

I'm nesting! :) I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow so I could stay up later, cleaning!!

39w1d

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 21:09:44 GMT

It's nearly 5pm on my last Wednesday of work prior to maternity leave. I feel like I'm having bad menstrual cramping. I've had two really strong contractions today, each lasting less than a minute. I think they were maybe 10 minutes apart, but that was a couple hours ago and I've had no more like that. I have had the period cramps all day though. I laughed at myself this morning because I thought on the way to work, "Oh crap, I'm cramping and I don't have anything with me." I've just associated these feelings with the beginning of my period for so long that I sort of briefly forgot that this is something else entirely :)

The sharp pains that feel like shooting pains in my cervix are happening more and more often. Nub feels like she's way low, and she's really heavy. She's still moving around, although a little less than she used to. Gone are the days of having the hiccups fifty times a day (thank goodness). That usually only happens once or twice a day now.

I saw myself in the mirror at lunch today, and laughed. My belly just looks unnaturally large at this point, and the way it's sitting so low now is comical. Seeing myself filled me with a great sense of pride. For some reason, I feel like this is one of those steps of acceptance that had to come before I could actually give birth. This is what I'd look like with a giant beer belly!! The waistband of my skirt gets lost under all that!

Things like putting on my tennis shoes (which look lovely with my skirts at work, I must say) have been an adventure for a while. I am still shaving my legs without help, although I can never see one side of my leg when I'm shaving. I just use the shave and feel method, and hope for the best. (No, I won't just stop, because I cannot stand the feeling of the hair on my legs. Yes I realize this makes me permanently ineligible for the hippy feminist club, but oh well.)

39 weeks

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 15:02:54 GMT

39 weeks. Still pregnant. I have lots of cramping and downward pressure, and the baby is fully engaged according to my midwives. So I'm waiting. :)

I really don't have much else to talk about with regard to babies today.

38w6d

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 14:42:43 GMT

I want to keep posting over here, because I've done so well at keeping this journal up to date with the pregnancy happenings. It's not like I haven't had lots of thoughts and experiences lately - I just feel a little discontent and restless, and that makes articulation pretty trying.

Troy and I went to Pearl (craft store) for paints and canvas on Sunday morning. I had several really strong contractions while there, to the point that I couldn't concentrate on anything he was saying to me, and to the point that I really thought we needed to get out of there immediately. Troy left the lady at the counter's head spinning when he said something about us needing to get out of there before I had a baby in their store.

I got to the car, had some water and one more contraction, and then they went away. Completely. And now I'm at work.

We spent the afternoon painting at Brick Store Pub. I learned a new appreciation for oil paints. The bar guy made me concoctions of fruit juices.

It truly is just like the beginning of pregnancy. I have lovely acne again. I get nauseous sometimes. I hate the smell of mint again. Perfume or cologne gags me. And every single time I go to the bathroom, I look for blood. Except this time, I WANT to see a tiny bit of blood. And this time, rather than being relieved each time, I walk out frustrated.

I'm trying hard to be patient. I'm failing. Tomorrow is 39 weeks. If she is late by one or two weeks, that's that much closer to Transformus (and Burning Man) that we'll be. It's one or two weeks I won't have under my belt as a new mom at those two events, and that is one or two weeks younger she'll be there. And Troy's starting work on the 18th. Of course she'll stick around until he's at his new job and I'd have to call him home. Of course I'll be freaking alone when I go into labor. Neat. (Actually...that has a little bit of appeal.)

We had a midwives' appointment today. Everything's the same. Blood pressure is good, heart rate is normal, blah blah blah. I'm tired of prenatal checkups. I had to call for my Strep B test. I was hoping they'd just put the results on their lab call line but they haven't and it's been 3 weeks. I didn't want to have to talk to a nurse. I left a voicemail for her and I'm hoping she just calls me back with the info, rather than insisting on talking with me. I guess if she gets really push about why I've not been in in three weeks (because you know, they've actually NOTICED before now. Right.), I'll just tell her I'm homebirthing. They can't not accept me at the hospital if I show up in labor, if something goes wrong. Really the only reason I kept a doctor on the hook was in case of some late term issue. Fortunately there are none and this is pretty late term.

I'm pretty tired of groaning every time I stand up, and of having to have help getting out of the bathtub. I'm tired of backaches and my foot hurting, and of being the one that is slow and huffing and puffing. I'm used to being fit and pain-free. I'm really healthy - I'm tired of being the one who slows us down.

So it's Monday. 4 days and 7 hours until my maternity leave begins. 1 week and 1 day until my due date. Funny how that date matters *far* less once you're actually close to it.

On Embracing Pregnancy and transition

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 14:06:56 GMT

By nature, pregnancy brings numerous changes to a woman, physically, mentally and emotionally. I've often heard that the 9 months of pregnancy are a time for a woman to become a mother, rather than simply becoming one when the baby is born.

During my pregnancy, I've experienced all kinds of physical changes and sensations. I've been through morning sickness, tiredness so strong that I literally could not keep myself sitting up straight, sleeplessness, back aches so bad they brought tears to my eyes, and various other pains. I've watched as my thighs got bigger, then my hips, then finally my belly. I've sorted through watching my relatively slim figure become very robust and round. I've mourned the loss of several aspects of who I was, and I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never look exactly as I did before ever again, nor will I ever quite feel the freedom and independence I once knew again. I've dealt with deeply feeling the sacrifices I was making for this baby, on so many levels, and the conflicting feelings of being so sad about losing a part of myself, yet SO PROUD of my choice to do this for this child.

I've been through the fear at the beginning, of even taking steps to get pregnant, then the fear of seeing blood during that first 13 weeks. Words cannot describe how much relief I got each month when I'd hear her heartbeat, even when I knew in my heart that everything was okay. I've waited patiently to see her little body on that 20 week ultrasound, to see all the valves in her tiny heart, and to see that her cord had three strands. I ran to the bathroom every day and snuck a peek at my belly, to see if it had gotten any bigger at all, and squeeled quietly to myself when I could begin to see the extremely subtle curve forming. I've cried from the hormones, and have been soothed by her gentle, and sometimes less than gentle kicks, which remind me of why I'm doing this. I've thought, "What the hell were we thinking? Why in the world did we choose to do this???" I've freaked out, panicked, and cried silently at the thought of having a child of my own. I've held other new babies, and hugged them close, and felt such pride at the fact that soon, so very soon, I'd have one too.

I've felt pride in feeling that part of myself that is growing, shifting, maturing, to take the label of "mother." I've read, studied, noted, talked about and considered so many things, and I'm so extremely proud of that. Yet I don't feel ready at all, either. I feel like I could spend my entire eternity, reading, studying, noting and talking, and I'd never, ever be quite ready to be the mother I want to be. I've panicked about that, and soothed myself by thinking about the fact that I really do feel like I've done so much, and that I have resources all around me for the rest.

I look back on all of this time and I think of how much I've done, seen, accomplished, felt, feared and embraced. Then, I look at this last month of pregnancy and I realize that this...THIS is the test. Nothing I have ever done has required such patience, stamina, mental endurance. I feel as though I have been absolutely stripped down to the very basic things that are me, and I'm left bare to face this huge impending event. Never have I felt so physically exhausted, mentally strained and emotionally spent. This waiting, this countdown - this IS the pregnancy to me. I only *thought* I had conquered it all until now. All the rest was lead-up to this last month. THIS is the test. And while I realize things will happen with or without my acceptance, with all the diligence paid toward this goal up until this point, I cannot simply accept the inevitable. Not yet. I think that final acceptance will come during labor. This is like the final sacrifice - the loss of hubris and whatever else remains.

And slowly, very slowly, I feel it happening. This is my greatest achievement.

Hiccups

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 20:11:11 GMT

Nub is hiccuping so hard that it made my arm jump when I was drinking water, almost making me spill water on myself. I feel like I'm bouncing in my chair, involuntarily.

Scalini's

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 14:28:33 GMT

We ate at Scalini's last night :)

Not that I actually think it'll make the kid show up, but it was really good food!

38 Weeks

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 16:57:04 GMT

Not much to post today. I had what I think are probably real contractions last night while at the Tool concert. They hurt a lot and they were sort of a full body experience. Sometimes my back would hurt, then my stomach down low, then at the top. Nothing lasted more than 15 or 30 seconds, but it was like they didn't give me much of a break between them sometimes either. Typically they eased up when I sat down for a minute. They continued for a couple hours after we got home and went to bed. I had a few wake me up. I woke up this morning feeling really sore all over, and with no contractions.

Missed my midwives' appointment this morning because traffic was so bad on 75N.

A lady at work gave me some Happy Heinys cloth diapers yesterday. I am pleased to say that mine look just as good, if not a little better, than the commercially offered all in ones. Don't get me wrong, the sewing is much better on the Happy Heinys, but overall, my diaper is comparable. :) Makes me want to make more.

I am already 100% tired of people asking me if I've popped yet. No.
I've been at work for 1.5 hours and no fewer than 6 people have come in my office and said, "We all thought you'd had your baby." I get that everyone's excited. I'm excited too, but I'm also tired and sore all over.

I'm working on not focusing on every little thing that could be a sign of labor. I am going to try just to focus now on the fact that the 15th is my last day of work. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, then Monday (my last Monday!), Tuesday (my last Tuesday!!), Wednesday (you get the point), Thursday and Friday. That's it.

Bets?

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 18:07:11 GMT

I'd love it if everyone reading this (this includes all you people who apparently read but don't have LJ accounts!) would make a guess as to when Nub will make her appearance.

Today is June 4. My due date is June 19. That means the available options are anywhere from today until, we'll say, July 3, which would put me 2 weeks past due. I will be 38 weeks tomorrow.

I'd say let's put money on it, but I'm not organizing that :)

I've still got my fingers crossed for TOMORROW. :)

37w6d - 15 days to due date

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 13:14:09 GMT

Saturday, I went to the Shadowbrook house and got belly-cast by Scarlett and Lee. Nub moved around and kicked at the cast the entire time. One time she kicked it hard enough to cause the drying plaster to crack a little, so they had to smooth it out. She was all over the place. Belly casting was great fun, and I really appreciate Scarlett and Lee doing it for me!

After that, we went to Charlee and Eric's for a cookout. I felt really good, except that I've got this continuous issue with my arch in my left foot now. It's really painful. I spent some time in the hammock, where I felt entirely like I was high on something, spun some fire, and ate pineapple and those little things Kitty and Puck made.

I woke up Sunday morning, and got nesty for a while at the house. I washed onesies and diapers, and folded the onesies. The intention is that I'm going to tie dye a few of the onesies at some point, although admittedly, committing time to that right now seems daunting.

I have been having cramps off and on the entire weekend, and they're getting stronger. There was one point on Sunday where I had to get up from the movie we were watching and walk around in the house for a few minutes because they got so bad. I think I may be leaking a little water too, but I'm just not sure! I don't know what this is supposed to feel like!

Just like I said before, just like at the beginning of pregnancy when I felt like I might be pregnant but wasn't sure - I feel like this might be the beginnings of labor, but I am just not sure. Just like at the beginning of pregnancy, I hate talking about all the crap I've been feeling, for fear that I'm wrong, and I'll look like a total crack head for talking about all this stuff that isn't really labor :).

I've definitely not had the "oh my god there's my entire mucus plug" thing, or the "oh wow, my water just broke and now I'm sitting in a puddle" thing. I mostly just have feelings that are *different* and very much unlike anything I've ever experienced. I feel really light and flowy. Mentally, I can hardly keep up with a conversation. I'm sort of in my own little world right now. I am really, really tired, but really excited. I'm kind of twitchy and discontent, but in a good mood, all at the same time.

This arch of my foot thing is killing me though. I don't mind the cramping or the lack of concentration. The not being able to walk part is not okay. I don't know what else to do about it. I'm wearing tennis shoes to work, and that's not even helping. This is the only thing the entire pregnancy that's been a *real* problem. :( I'm banking on being able to walk during early labor...

Tool concert tonight :) I'm hoping it puts me into labor. That would be awesome.

EDIT: I've had some swelling in my hands and feet. Nothing overly annoying, but it's there. Just thought I'd make a note of it.