McKenna just giggled. Like, squealing, shrieking baby giggles. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. I've seen her laugh just a little bit, but this was a real, squench your face up giggle. I love it :)

McKenna is now 3 months and 1 week old. She's a big kid, weighing in at 17.4 lbs and 25 inches long. She's still exclusively breastfed, and seems very happy and healthy.

She's begun to teethe, I think. She's been drooling a lot, and has switched from wanting to suck on our knuckles to wanting to bite down on them. She's been pretty irritable over the last week or so. She's stopped taking quite so many naps, and when she does nap, it's for far less time than she did when she was a newborn.

I got her some Hyland's teething gel yesterday, and I used a tiny bit on her gums last night. She went to sleep immediately after I did that. The box says that might happen, if the kid's been uncomfortable for a while. She is currently chewing on a frozen baby washcloth. She's figured out how to get her hand to her mouth, and has been chomping on her own hand and arm lately. She doesn't seem to handle teething rings very well yet - they're just too much to handle. The washcloth she can handle. She's chomping pretty hardily right now. Poor kid :(

She likes it best when I stand her up and help her stay standing. Her second favorite thing is the splutz noise like when you give someone a raspberry.

I had my first experience of someone acting pissy because I was nursing in public. Troy and I were at a restaurant in Decatur, and they have couches in the front bar part. We were sitting there with McKenna, and I was nursing her. A woman at the bar kept looking at me and scowling. Troy pointed her out to me. I turned and looked at her, and any previous concern I'd had about what I'd do if someone looked at me like that while I was nursing went out the door. I smiled my best fake smile at her, patted Mac's butt and looked away. She immediately got her check and huffed out the door. HAHAHAHA

In other news, I made my first grocery run with just McKenna and me today. I wore her in the Moby wrap, and we did just fine together. I accomplished groceries. It was awesome to see the other moms in there with their kidlets, too. We all smiled knowing and friendly smiles at each other, and I felt like part of the daytime mommy shopping club.

I don't want to go back to work. We visited my job yesterday, and I don't want to go back. I am terrified to let other people keep my child. If Issa could do it, that would be okay with me. But I'm really, really nervous about anyone else doing it. I don't want to miss her first steps and words just b/c I am stuck on being at this job one more year...The countdown is happening too, where I have to make a decision soon. :( :( :( I don't see how anyone who absolutely does not have to goes back to work after having a kid.

McKenna is 6 weeks old today. I get one of those nifty yay me 6 weeks breastfeeding banners.

McKenna is 5 weeks old today. She is now 13 lbs, 4 ounces, and 23 inches long. I can't believe how quickly she's growing!

She holds her head up some, especially when she's on her tummy on either my or Troy's chest. She's starting to follow objects with her eyes, and she smiles a lot more regularly. She does this weird thing sometimes that sounds like it might turn into giggling eventually, but isn't quit there yet.

I think I've taken to motherhood pretty well. I can almost always tell what is going on with her and fix any issues she's having, aside from gas. Fortunately, gas doesn't happen very often.

She attended her first burn outside the womb this weekend. While it was a huge change for Troy and me, having her there, she handled it just fine. She only got fussy a couple times, and it was short-lived. She had her first dip in the lake, hated it, and screamed. It *was* a little cold... :) She went to the effigy burn with Troy, Issa and Joshua while I spun fire in the fire conclave. She even slept in the sleeping bag with me, and slept through the night both nights. (I imagine so - burns would tire out any kid!)

She's starting to get a little more cuddly, and she's not doing that staring at the wall randomly thing that new babies do as much any more. She actually looks at people now.

I can't quit bragging about her being exclusively breastfed. :) I finally learned how to pop a boob in her mouth in the middle of the night (lately she only wakes up once for feeding, if I feed her right before I lay down at 11 or 12), so I've actually managed to stay in my bed for a couple nights straight. We lived on the couch for the first couple weeks of her life :)

I think she's going to have light brown hair. Her eyes are starting to change some, but I'm not sure what they'll end up looking like. Her lips are still really gorgeous and full, and in my opinion, she looks like a really feminine version of Troy.

I lose at the cloth diapering thing. She's 5 weeks now and still in disposables. We even *bought* some. I know. I suck. It's just that every single time I've put her in a cloth diaper, she's peed in it within an hour, and it gets absolutely all over me. Not just a little. Like, a LOT. I don't know why these things aren't more absorbent. I still want to try to make this work, but damn if disposables aren't freaking *easy*. :( Does anyone have any ideas on why every single cloth diaper I've ever used leaks all over me (all in ones included!)?

I'm starting to do a little work from my house for my job. They're hurting b/c of a bunch of drama that's going on there, with attorneys leaving and starting new firms. We'll see how well it works out to try to work with Miss Sunshine wanting all my attention. :)

I had my first experience of breastfeeding in public last night.

Of course I had to choose to do this in a restaurant where McKenna was technically not welcome. There are local laws that force restaurants to be 18 and up if smoking is allowed. Fortunately, some of the restaurants do not enforce this rule, even though they have signs up that SAY they do. (No it wasn't smoky, it was outside so I never even smelled smoke.)

I actually got so nervous that I lost my appetite. Yes, breastfeeding is great, and yes more people should do it in public, and no, there should never be shame involved. I was nervous though. I'm glad I did it, even if we technically weren't supposed to be there with her :)

And of course, no one even noticed, and nothing was said, and all went perfectly fine. I have to work on this nervousness though.

McKenna Sunshine is one week old today!

She has decided that her umbilical stump has just got to go, and she keeps hitting at it with her hands. It's almost completely detached. I'll be glad when it's gone, because that's when we're switching to cloth diapers. We have so many disposables from the hospital, and they're so much easier with a cord stump still in place. I'm ready to switch though.

I'm still working through breastfeeding issues. I pulled out the My Brest Friend (Yes they spell it wrong) pillow this morning, and that thing rocks. I read some more websites about proper latch, and I think that at long last, we've got it. We were really close before, but I was putting too much nipple in on the bottom. Her top lip automatically pokes out like it's supposed to when I do it this new way. Much better, much less painful.

The time of no sleeping has begun. I barely slept at all the past two nights. What's weird is that I'm not really sleepy during the day. I tried to nap with her earlier and she woke up fifteen minutes later. Maybe I'll have some lunch and try again. Maybe I'd be sleepy if I laid down. I actually have a strong urge to clean my house instead. I may strap her to me in a little while and do that, and then maybe take a nap. (Oh how much does it suck to not be at work? Not at all. This is GREAT!!)

I had an appointment with the doctor who caught Mac yesterday (only he wasn't actually there - I saw the other guy from his office instead), for them to check my sutures. Everything is fine, they said I'm looking great for 6 days post partum. Their office was extremely posh, and I really enjoyed their bedside manner. The entire staff was very kind. I was honest about the homebirth, and while they couldn't really approve, they were supportive of my decision, and didn't give me any crap at all.

:) I think I've finally quit checking to see if she's still breathing every fourteen seconds.

Quick notes about parenthood, motherhood

I didn't realize just how much time having a baby would take up!! I am absolutely not complaining- I'd rather lay here and look at her and hold her all day, every day, than to spend time on the internet or doing whatever else it was I used to do before I had McKenna. I just need to find some way to write down or type out my thoughts because I don't want to forget some of these early parenthood things.

We'll see how far I get. Right now, she's crashed out in my lap, looking like a perfect, gorgeous little princess. I think her hair is getting lighter. It's really light in the front, and has a red tint in the sun :) Her eyes are still the steel blue of early babyhood. The midwife yesterday told me that McKenna has already gained back up to her birth weight and then some. Troy and Issa and I think maybe, since they didn't weigh Mac until at least an hour after her birth, the birthweight may actually have dropped between her birth and when they weighed her. Otherwise, she's gained a ton of weight in her 5 days of life. She weighed in at almost 10lbs yesterday. What's up breast milk :)

Breast feeding has been an adventure. McKenna latched very quickly after birth. The first time she latched correctly and strongly, it shocked me! I actually said, "Oh!!" It wasn't painful, it was just shockingly STRONG! Since then, she's nursed like a champ. I had the lactation consultant in the hospital come to see me because I was doing really well with latching her on the right side, but not on the left for some reason. Just a few minutes with the LC and we had that kicked. I still had really sore nipples, which are just now starting not to be sore any more. I am abundantly pleased with our breast feeding relationship though. I seem to have tons of milk, and I think I may try pumping and saving some of it today. I think last night, it was almost overwhelming for Mac, because there was just too much coming out. It's started dripping when I'm feeding :) I think it's great. Breast feeding is extremely rewarding, and it's so freaking convenient. I am so glad that my fears that I had about doing this were really unwarranted.

I have worn McKenna in a Moby wrap a couple times now, with great success. I love it, and when she gets in there, she goes almost instantly comatose. I am going to find some material that is a little cooler and more breathable, because this kid's a little radiator.

She makes the best noises ever. She coos all the time.

I thought I'd want to dress her in all kinds of little outfits and stuff. The kid's worn two things ever: the little kimono looking shirt at the hospital, and one onesie on the way home from the hospital. That's it. We've had her in Swaddlemes (OH MY GOD these are awesome) and a diaper. It's just too hot!!

One thing I'd note for people who will be first time parents: I read and read about everything regarding labor, delivery, immunizations, parenting philosophies, cloth diapering, etc. I did NOT read NEARLY enough about the first days with a baby. I was wholly unprepared. I am glad I have some books here that cover what the heck to do with a child after she's actually out of you and in your home, because I was clue-free. Wow. I mean, a lot of it is intuitive, which I guess is what I was banking on, but no one tells you when you are supposed to bathe her the first time, or how LONG you're supposed to breast feed at each feeding, etc. I don't feel like we've failed in any respect, because she is doing just fine, but I do sort of wish I'd read a little more about stuff beforehand.

Okay that's all I have time for right now.

Oh, one other thing: I absolutely cannot imagine life without McKenna. I never understood the sheer depth of love I would feel for this little kid, but I am completely in love with her. I would do absolutely anything for her. I also did not understand how the depth of my love for Troy would change, with the addition of a child we created together. It's so amazing and beautiful!

I'm at home (I got home Thursday, around noon or so). Obviously things have been completely hectic and crazy since I made my posts about labor. Troy was making all the posts for me from that point forward. I've been receiving all your comments though, and I appreciate them all very, very much!

As you saw, my labor began at 2:30 am on the morning of the 19th. ( long! )

McKenna Sunshine Cobb was born at 12:25am this morning. She weighed 8 pounds and 12 ounces and was just over 20 inches long. She is perfect and healthy! McKenna and I are resting fine at Emory Crawford Long Hospital.

Photos and more details to come a bit later.

Contractions are around a minute long, every five minutes now. Contractions suck, but I'm so excited to have them. It's really interesting how quickly after one passes that I forget how much pain I was just in. They're definitely getting stronger. I've found that I can actually still talk through them in short bursts, and I can still hear people talking. I'm beginning to lose my appetite. I'm going to try to eat some pizza in a few minutes.

The midwife is encouraging me to walk around to keep the contractions going at this point.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life is happening in five minute intervals. I keep having to set the computer down and breathe through a contraction, or time phone conversations in five minute increments.

wheeeeeeeee

It's now just after 1pm. My contractions continue to be every 7-10 minutes, and are getting stronger. Troy made me biscuits and gravy and some eggs for breakfast. Then we took a walk. I had the strongest and longest contraction the minute I stepped foot in the house. It was nearly 2 minutes long, and a lot harder than the ones I'd had before.

I've been sitting around, watching Battlestar Galactica and making hemp jewelry.

It's nearly 7 am now, and I have had about 5 minutes of sleep since that last post. The contractions were something like 10 minutes apart continuously after I laid back down. They have gotten stronger, so I finally decided to get up and try a bath. Ugh, now I feel really hot. I'm not sure if it slowed the contractions down any, but I think it may have just a little. I'm going to actually start timing them now.

I'm freakin' starving. There will have to be some breakfast in my near future. I am not going up to the midwives, although they don't know that yet. We're still trying to decide if Troy's going to work. Poor guy, he couldn't sleep once he woke up and I told him what was going on, so he's basically been up all night with me too.

I think I'm still in denial. I think it may take me getting to the really severe, can't move at all contractions before I believe this is happening.

You might note that it is 4:00 in the morning. I've been up since around 2:30 with really mild contractions that are just strong enough to keep me awake, but that's about it. They were every 5-6 minutes while I was laying in bed. I decided to get up and see what happened at about 3:30. I had a little bit of heart burn and I was hungry, so I've been snacking on baby carrots. The contractions have slowed a lot since I got up. I have only had 2 or 3 in the 30 minutes I've been out of bed. I'll go lay back down when I finish typing this.

These contractions are really light. My belly tightens all over and I get the strong menstrual cramp and it holds...holds...and then it all fades and releases. It's painful but not overly so. It's just like what I've been having on and off for over a week, but somehow with more purpose.

So today is my due date. June 19. Happy Birthday to Lori, who says this is a great date to be born. Maybe Nub listened and will actually be one of the very few kids actually born on her due date.

I have a midwife appointment at 8am. I was thinking during one of my contractions that it would be great to call them and say, "I think you'll need to come to me instead." It doesn't look like that's really going to be an issue though. I'm a tiny bit nervous about going up there (it's 30 minutes north of my house, and the first time the entire pregnancy I'll be going without Troy), but I'll judge how I'm feeling right before I go.

Oh..another contraction. That was almost exactly 10 minutes after the last one. Maybe labor is actually, slowly but surely, starting :)

One other thought: It's somehow extremely exciting to me to have reached my due date finally. This date has been a giant looming thing to me for 8.5 months now, and for it to actually BE June 19th is awesome. It feels like I, or the world, or something has officially given me permission to move to the next stage. I'm sure I'll be less excited about the date once it becomes June 20 and I still have no baby, but for today, it's exciting :)

Still pregnant. BUT! I'm at home, snuggled in my big giant bed with warm blankets, a fan on high above me, a laptop and a sweet kitty. It's only 11:30 and I've already had my first nap of the day. I'm still in my pjs. I had my breakfast in bed. This is beyond fantastic!

It also makes this waiting more tolerable. I don't know how long that will last, but for now, the novelty of the fact that I'm at home on a week day and I'm not actually sick is really quite nice.

And I can nest as much as I want today, and collapse when I need to.

I suppose the only negative is that I keep having the "I should be doing...." thoughts. Like, I *should* be up and going to get the cat food and cleaning up the house. I think in reality though, I have been doing exactly what I *should* be and resting. Whatever gets done will get done.

I'm nesting! :) I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow so I could stay up later, cleaning!!

It's nearly 5pm on my last Wednesday of work prior to maternity leave. I feel like I'm having bad menstrual cramping. I've had two really strong contractions today, each lasting less than a minute. I think they were maybe 10 minutes apart, but that was a couple hours ago and I've had no more like that. I have had the period cramps all day though. I laughed at myself this morning because I thought on the way to work, "Oh crap, I'm cramping and I don't have anything with me." I've just associated these feelings with the beginning of my period for so long that I sort of briefly forgot that this is something else entirely :)

The sharp pains that feel like shooting pains in my cervix are happening more and more often. Nub feels like she's way low, and she's really heavy. She's still moving around, although a little less than she used to. Gone are the days of having the hiccups fifty times a day (thank goodness). That usually only happens once or twice a day now.

I saw myself in the mirror at lunch today, and laughed. My belly just looks unnaturally large at this point, and the way it's sitting so low now is comical. Seeing myself filled me with a great sense of pride. For some reason, I feel like this is one of those steps of acceptance that had to come before I could actually give birth. This is what I'd look like with a giant beer belly!! The waistband of my skirt gets lost under all that!

Things like putting on my tennis shoes (which look lovely with my skirts at work, I must say) have been an adventure for a while. I am still shaving my legs without help, although I can never see one side of my leg when I'm shaving. I just use the shave and feel method, and hope for the best. (No, I won't just stop, because I cannot stand the feeling of the hair on my legs. Yes I realize this makes me permanently ineligible for the hippy feminist club, but oh well.)

39 weeks. Still pregnant. I have lots of cramping and downward pressure, and the baby is fully engaged according to my midwives. So I'm waiting. :)

I really don't have much else to talk about with regard to babies today.

I want to keep posting over here, because I've done so well at keeping this journal up to date with the pregnancy happenings. It's not like I haven't had lots of thoughts and experiences lately - I just feel a little discontent and restless, and that makes articulation pretty trying.

Troy and I went to Pearl (craft store) for paints and canvas on Sunday morning. I had several really strong contractions while there, to the point that I couldn't concentrate on anything he was saying to me, and to the point that I really thought we needed to get out of there immediately. Troy left the lady at the counter's head spinning when he said something about us needing to get out of there before I had a baby in their store.

I got to the car, had some water and one more contraction, and then they went away. Completely. And now I'm at work.

We spent the afternoon painting at Brick Store Pub. I learned a new appreciation for oil paints. The bar guy made me concoctions of fruit juices.

It truly is just like the beginning of pregnancy. I have lovely acne again. I get nauseous sometimes. I hate the smell of mint again. Perfume or cologne gags me. And every single time I go to the bathroom, I look for blood. Except this time, I WANT to see a tiny bit of blood. And this time, rather than being relieved each time, I walk out frustrated.

I'm trying hard to be patient. I'm failing. Tomorrow is 39 weeks. If she is late by one or two weeks, that's that much closer to Transformus (and Burning Man) that we'll be. It's one or two weeks I won't have under my belt as a new mom at those two events, and that is one or two weeks younger she'll be there. And Troy's starting work on the 18th. Of course she'll stick around until he's at his new job and I'd have to call him home. Of course I'll be freaking alone when I go into labor. Neat. (Actually...that has a little bit of appeal.)

We had a midwives' appointment today. Everything's the same. Blood pressure is good, heart rate is normal, blah blah blah. I'm tired of prenatal checkups. I had to call for my Strep B test. I was hoping they'd just put the results on their lab call line but they haven't and it's been 3 weeks. I didn't want to have to talk to a nurse. I left a voicemail for her and I'm hoping she just calls me back with the info, rather than insisting on talking with me. I guess if she gets really push about why I've not been in in three weeks (because you know, they've actually NOTICED before now. Right.), I'll just tell her I'm homebirthing. They can't not accept me at the hospital if I show up in labor, if something goes wrong. Really the only reason I kept a doctor on the hook was in case of some late term issue. Fortunately there are none and this is pretty late term.

I'm pretty tired of groaning every time I stand up, and of having to have help getting out of the bathtub. I'm tired of backaches and my foot hurting, and of being the one that is slow and huffing and puffing. I'm used to being fit and pain-free. I'm really healthy - I'm tired of being the one who slows us down.

So it's Monday. 4 days and 7 hours until my maternity leave begins. 1 week and 1 day until my due date. Funny how that date matters *far* less once you're actually close to it.

By nature, pregnancy brings numerous changes to a woman, physically, mentally and emotionally. I've often heard that the 9 months of pregnancy are a time for a woman to become a mother, rather than simply becoming one when the baby is born.

During my pregnancy, I've experienced all kinds of physical changes and sensations. I've been through morning sickness, tiredness so strong that I literally could not keep myself sitting up straight, sleeplessness, back aches so bad they brought tears to my eyes, and various other pains. I've watched as my thighs got bigger, then my hips, then finally my belly. I've sorted through watching my relatively slim figure become very robust and round. I've mourned the loss of several aspects of who I was, and I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never look exactly as I did before ever again, nor will I ever quite feel the freedom and independence I once knew again. I've dealt with deeply feeling the sacrifices I was making for this baby, on so many levels, and the conflicting feelings of being so sad about losing a part of myself, yet SO PROUD of my choice to do this for this child.

I've been through the fear at the beginning, of even taking steps to get pregnant, then the fear of seeing blood during that first 13 weeks. Words cannot describe how much relief I got each month when I'd hear her heartbeat, even when I knew in my heart that everything was okay. I've waited patiently to see her little body on that 20 week ultrasound, to see all the valves in her tiny heart, and to see that her cord had three strands. I ran to the bathroom every day and snuck a peek at my belly, to see if it had gotten any bigger at all, and squeeled quietly to myself when I could begin to see the extremely subtle curve forming. I've cried from the hormones, and have been soothed by her gentle, and sometimes less than gentle kicks, which remind me of why I'm doing this. I've thought, "What the hell were we thinking? Why in the world did we choose to do this???" I've freaked out, panicked, and cried silently at the thought of having a child of my own. I've held other new babies, and hugged them close, and felt such pride at the fact that soon, so very soon, I'd have one too.

I've felt pride in feeling that part of myself that is growing, shifting, maturing, to take the label of "mother." I've read, studied, noted, talked about and considered so many things, and I'm so extremely proud of that. Yet I don't feel ready at all, either. I feel like I could spend my entire eternity, reading, studying, noting and talking, and I'd never, ever be quite ready to be the mother I want to be. I've panicked about that, and soothed myself by thinking about the fact that I really do feel like I've done so much, and that I have resources all around me for the rest.

I look back on all of this time and I think of how much I've done, seen, accomplished, felt, feared and embraced. Then, I look at this last month of pregnancy and I realize that this...THIS is the test. Nothing I have ever done has required such patience, stamina, mental endurance. I feel as though I have been absolutely stripped down to the very basic things that are me, and I'm left bare to face this huge impending event. Never have I felt so physically exhausted, mentally strained and emotionally spent. This waiting, this countdown - this IS the pregnancy to me. I only *thought* I had conquered it all until now. All the rest was lead-up to this last month. THIS is the test. And while I realize things will happen with or without my acceptance, with all the diligence paid toward this goal up until this point, I cannot simply accept the inevitable. Not yet. I think that final acceptance will come during labor. This is like the final sacrifice - the loss of hubris and whatever else remains.

And slowly, very slowly, I feel it happening. This is my greatest achievement.